From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
