Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
