You made me cry and you don't even care
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
