I like to think it a success when the cops are called
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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