RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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