Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
