Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
