you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
