So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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