So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
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