When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
