I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
