I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
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