I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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