My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
