I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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