Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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