Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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