JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
