everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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