Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
