Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
