life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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