I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
