I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
