This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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