Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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