I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
