party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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