My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
