This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You are the jesus of drinking
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
