My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
