What a fucking waste of an outfit
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Two words: blizzard sex
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
