I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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