this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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