if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
