you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
