I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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