My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
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I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
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Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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