This house was built for laser tag.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
