I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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