i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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