dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
so let's talk penis.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
