No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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