I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
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He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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