When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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