we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
