I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
