whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
