my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
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it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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