Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
