Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
