its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
