I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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