I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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